truths universally acknowledged

1. Moving in is better than moving out.
2. Everything is better than moving out.
3. You may have spent the year you lived with the personal trainer self-shaming and resolution-making, but you will be grateful for every ounce of guilt and loathing when it comes time to lift the things.
4. You have too much stuff.
5. With every year, it will become infinitely easier to throw away the crappy jewellery your crappy ex gave you.
6. There is no better album for motivating inane activities than Bryan Adams' 1991 masterpiece, "Waking Up the Neighbours."
7. That apartment - the one for which you signed the lease and paid the security deposit and the brokers fee in a feverish haze because it was rent-stabilized and in your neighbourhood and had a painted red door, the one you thought might need some cosmetic work but it's nothing you can't handle, what's a little grout when you will be able to live alone for the first time in your life? - will be so much worse than you remembered. Open the door to the fridge. See that? That's a fish. Half a fish frozen against the wall of the freezer. That is your life now. It's you and the fish. Mount up.